Healthy Living

My sister-in-law- Mary recently died of an illness too terrible to imagine. A progressive neurological disease elusively defined not in terms of how to treat it but in what it takes away and how quickly. Her mind was completely spared of deterioration but as the physician in the movie Awakenings said… “we don’t believe the patients are aware because the alternative is unthinkable;” in other words we hope they aren’t fully aware; but she was.

Mary leaves behind two devoted daughters and a radiant and vital spirit that recently managed an out of character obscene hand gesture and a slightly detectable grin in response to a playful prodding from a friend to say something, anything.

I had the privilege of working with oncology patients and their families for 10 years and the lessons were innumerable, but the two that impacted me most were how the people who were ill knew beyond any doubt that very little really mattered beyond love of family and friends. The value placed on job and possessions fell quickly away.

The other profound lesson was how the smallest acts of kindness were often the greatest medicine. When a loved one is sick or in pain we often just want the people caring for them to see the special part of them that we do, and we look for it in the small things. It wasn’t the chemotherapy or blood products that the physicians ordered and the nurses monitored that brought the cards of gratitude but the human-to-human interactions.

In Mary’s case, having the doctor kneel next to her at her last visit and cry with her meant more to her at that point in her illness than a pat on the back or a new prescription.

I was most affected by the patients who were themselves compassionate to others even when their own needs seemed insurmountable. Steve, nearing the end of his own battle with cancer, took a leave from his hospitalization to be at a fund raising event he created to help others with the same disease. His doctor understood that this was a deeply personal mission and supported his choice. Both men seeing beyond themselves and the expected way of doing things.

The acts of kindness may come through in words, in touch, or in taking the extra time to listen to the questions that belie the real fears. We are reminded that we are not only our biology but also our biography. And patients will tell you; I am not just my disease or my disability. Yet in the hurry of the world of hospitals and healthcare we can forget the art of healing, the smaller details that often have the greatest impact.

The science of medicine is essential especially in acute situations when quick medical and surgical interventions are required but chronic, progressive and longstanding illnesses often require something more. Part of that something is made up of the strategies that address the symptoms and part of that something is less technological and more personal. The two combined are good medicine and good medicine affects both the caregiver and patient.

In the words of poet Naomi Shihab Nye: “When we are devoted to the development of kindness…it becomes a movement of the heart so deep and subtle it is like a movement of the sea close to the ocean floor, all but hidden yet affecting absolutely everything that happens above. That’s the force of kindness.”

Amy Dunion, a registered nurse and massage therapist, is Coordinator of The William W. Backus Hospital’s Center for Healthcare Integration. This column should not replace advice or instruction from your personal physician. E-mail Dunion and all of the Healthy Living columnists at healthyliving@wwbh.org