Healthy Living

Almost everyone knows at least one person who has been diagnosed with cancer.  It can be difficult to know what to say to that person when you see them, but this may be the time when that person needs your support and friendship most.  Here are some ideas and suggestions to consider:

•  Be a good listener. Don't feel as if you have to do all the talking. Sometimes cancer patients just need someone to listen to their thoughts, feelings and even their fears about the disease. Be ready and willing to listen whenever you're needed.

•  Be supportive. Offer your support, but don’t judge, give advice, or make light of their concerns.

•  Be positive.  Don’t tell stories about other people who have undergone cancer treatment if it resulted in a bad outcome.

•  It’s OK to just sit quietly and be there for the person.

Saying, “Call me if you need anything” really isn’t very helpful.   Greta Greer, MSW, LCSW, director of survivor programs for the American Cancer Society, offers this advice:  “Offer suggestions for specific things you are able to do such as prepare a meal, transport to appointments, pick up the kids, babysit, mow the lawn, etc. Also give some dates you are free to assist.”  

Remember that just because a person is battling cancer, they don’t need or want to think and talk about it constantly.  Being included in normal, everyday activities is welcome.  When I was a home care nurse I remember vividly a patient who was very weak from cancer treatment.  He insisted on sharing a joke, cartoon, or funny story at the start of every home visit.  It was his way of maintaining some control while sharing a light-hearted, funny moment.  

My good friend Claire is currently undergoing cancer treatment, so I asked her for some suggestions on communicating with sensitivity, since that is really what we are all trying to achieve.  She said she appreciated all the get well wishes from people, and those who said they were praying for her.  That boosted her spirits and was appreciated.  Cancer treatment can be overwhelming; it’s easy to get discouraged.  She cautioned people not to be negative.  For example, one person asked her what the mortality rate was for her type of cancer.  

A very thoughtful gesture two friends made was offer to help Claire pick out a wig, and also made suggestions of places to go look.  She felt that was a caring and sensitive thing to do.

One thing for which Claire was especially grateful was receiving cards, notes, and emails from people, just saying, “I’m thinking of you” or “sending positive thoughts your way, or “I’m still available to drive you to appointments.”  She contends it’s never too late to send a card, even weeks after surgery, or at intervals during the long months of chemotherapy and radiation treatment. The emotional boost the cards and notes bring is very welcome at any time.

These suggestions are by no means a comprehensive “how-to” guide for talking to someone with cancer, but they are food for thought.

Alice Facente is a community health nurse for the Backus Health System. This advice should not replace the advice of your personal health care provider. To comment on this column or others, visit the Healthy Living blog at www.healthydocs.blogspot.com or e-mail Ms. Facente or any of the Healthy Living columnists at healthyliving@wwbh.org